I want to disappear.

Now.

It's all falling apart.

Savagely tender sex with the User. Afterwards lying together, his arms wrapped around me.

"Why do you hate yourself so much?"

The Beautiful One looked at me over the Casual Fuckbuddy's shoulder. 'Where are your condoms?' she mouthes and I want to rip the Casual Fuckbuddy's heart out. Casual to the point of non-existance. I love her and I hate her. Everytime I look at her I want to touch her, trace the grooves of her hip bones, the curve of each rib, the ridges of her spine. I want to live in that perfect body.

Everything is slightly blurred. Diet pills and vodka.

'Daisy? Put it down. I think you've had enough - you're losing control'

Don't make me laugh. I lost control when I fell in love with you.

"i know you want to..."

"ha ha... but i only have sex with people i love, or at the very least care in the slightest about, and the chances of me falling in love with you are about a million to one. so no."

"you're fucked up."

"i know, right?"

today he text me ~ you said you only sleep with people you care about in the slightest. you seem to love being direct, so i'll put this in your language. do you even care?

no.

home alone... last night i think i made a huge mistake... i invited the guy from Beautiful One's party around and it was just me and him, writhing on the sofa. i've been binging all week and just thinking about him touching my rolls of flab makes me shudder but still... there he was. We were lying in my bed and he asked me if he could ask me a question. but then he got up abruptly, put on his clothes and left. I lay in my bed, looking at the clothes strewn across the floor and i couldn't even cry. i chose this.