You Can't Hurt Me If I'm Already Gone

Can sex ever be casual? Or is so fundamentally intimate that you can never truly divorce your heart and your body? I thought I could. Every day I punish my body until it aches, my head screaming 'you fucking fool' but really, my heart throbs with satisfaction. There is nothing as satisfying as hunger pangs, followed by the moral purity of denial and then, the scale rewarding your starvation. I thought sex with the User was simply a manifestation of my relationship with Ana. You're fucking up your body, why not literally? He called me today, I lay in the clearing in the woods, conscious of the irony. This is my favorite place in the world, I never showed it to you, and it was here I wanted to make love to you. A nauseauting cliche but I just wanted love. I wanted you to fuck a person, not a body. I found out from the Beautiful One he fucked some girl two days after we first had sex. Today he told me because he thought we were in a relationship and he couldn't handle it. Oh god, the irony, the fucking, choking, bitter irony of it all. I just wanted to be exclusive. Casual, exclusive, sex. Why did I sit and weep after he hung up? Because I told him we couldn't be friends? Because I felt manipulated and deceived? Or because he managed to touch this cold, numb, hollow shell? Maybe I was mourning myself and wallowing in the most comforting emotion I know: self-pity. I don't know what to do. I feel so contricted, claustrophobic but paradoxically, utterly alone.

I told him I only had sex with him because he was so fucked up, I couldn't possibly fuck him up anymore. I meant it. That's why I can't pursue the Beautiful One and contaminate her. I destroy everything I touch, and anything I let touch me in turn destroys me. I feel like I'm disintegrating and it is so liberating. I don't even have to think anymore - subsisting on my mantra: Eat nothing, starve forever.