Tuesday, 28 July 2009

I'm back...

Eurotrip with my friends was amazing. Partying in abandoned warehouses in east Berlin. Having sex with an italian stranger in a club.

It's just real life and getting a job. I feel so claustrophobic back at home with my mum screaming at me to eat something. The freedom of having friends who don't give a fuck what you eat (or don't) and doing whatever you want, whenever you want. Resisting the temptation to buy expensive drugs or fuck exotic strangers.

God, I hate reality.

Stay strong


Friday, 3 July 2009

I always avoid writing during, after or inbetween bingeing. It just feels so helpless, like I'm flailing around, oscillating between bingeing and feeling utterly apathetic to the point of not even purging. Then the next morning and waking up with some new resolution about never eating again. Technically summer is the best time to fast, you can live on fruit and salad without anyone batting an eyelid. However, everywhere you're tortured by teeny-tiny arms and skinny thighs as people show off their perfect bodies. I don't want to leave the house when I feel like this.. The Beautiful One text me to tell me all about this party I spurned last night (in theory I was going to stay home and do pilates for 2 hours, really I just binged) to tell me all about the User and his latest conquest. Honestly, i don't care. He got rid of me because I was fat and that should be sufficient motivation to stop this pointless bingeing...
This might be my last post for awhile. Leaving for Amsterdam on Wednesday and have exactly 11 euros a day to spend... that should ensure I have no choice but fast. But how do I explain that to the three girls I'm going with? I feel their eyes, silently judging me, evaluating every public mouthful. And yet - they stay silent. If one of them had just said something maybe all this would be different. Ha ha the paradox - I'd do anything to hide this from them and yet I just crave attention for the goals I have achieved.
Thanks for all your comments, sounds toe-curlingly cringey but they are such huge motivation to carry on and to pursue perfection.
Anyway... good luck and stay strong!