I had sex with you because I wanted to feel closer. Closer to something, anything, nothing. Me. But for me, anorexia has trapped me here. And i feel so alone and numb and hollow and cold. Like nothing can touch me anymore. Originally, that was what I craved. As I lay there, cold and passive, watching the sky as you moved inside me, I wanted to come back. And you feel nothing for me, just like I feel close to nothing for you, and we have cold, clinical, souless sex and I want to evaporate. Someone asked me why I did it. They didn't get it. The self-harm principle. Destroying your body, slowly, pushing yourself to the point of unbearable pain, and enjoying it.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
The User text: "Last night you found out what i've always been saying. I said I knew I would hurt you and I did. You're a really cool girl, even if you can be scary or weird..."
I felt nothing. I was too busy calculating the calories in my salad. If it was just sex, then why does he care? Why can't he really, really hurt me? Instead of insisting on this facade of kindness and mutual respect, when we both know this was some sick game in which we pretended to be living in the moment, when really we were coldly calculating how much to invest in this..
I can't stop eating. I've eaten a jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, hummus, two quiches and a litre of milk - i just can't stop. I promised never to purge again. But maybe the searing pain, those convulsions of pain, maybe that will make me realise what I've done. How i should feel.
Monday, 4 May 2009
today i'm leaving you. you make me strong, beautiful, extraordinary. i love you, i depend on you, i need you. but you're destroying me. my hair is falling out. my skin is yellow, my fingers and toes blue. i'm numb. please let me go - my brain is disintegrating. there is nothing i haven't given you - my body, my mind, my soul. let me go, my exams are my future and i cant think because you contaminate every thought.
you'll drag me back. i know you will, and i'll surrender willingly. but please, until the summer, let me go.