Monday, 24 August 2009

Life is so beautiful right now. This is what hope feels like.
I got my 4 As... I'm going to the university of I've dreamed of for 8 years.
Today is day five of fasting... perhaps I'm hallucinating happiness but this time success feels tangible.

Monday, 10 August 2009

The party was cancelled... Thank-you fate. Standing in a bikini, awkwardly trying to hide my various bulges from people, whilst trying to project an image of confidence, is my idea of hell. Throw in various failed attempts at 'intimacy' and the night could only have descended through shades of nightmare.
Decided not to weigh myself until the 31st August. I simply cannot stand on a scale and see some figure screaming 'failure' at me. I need to cling to the idea of tiny limbs and razor sharp hip bones without a number by which to judge my failures. Tried the ABC but found it was far too rigid for me, so trying something slightly different. As long as I eat under 800 cals a day I'm going to burn fat/muscle & at least 2 of those meals must be negative cals... so basically cabbage soup, beetroot & salad. I googled negative foods and those are the only things I'm allowed to 'binge' on. See... these are rules I can live with. Cabbage soup by day & vodka diet coke by night. I've developed an obsession with weighing everything. I physically can't put something in my mouth without out knowing exactly how much it weighs and how many calories (exactly) are in it.
My 3 friends invited themselves to lunch today.. I know why. We never talk about the big, scary 'it'. You know, the term last year when i disappeared and didn't go to school for 2 months. But, as they tell me in their most patronizing voices (reserved for the really fucked up ones) they're always here for me. Just as long as I don't actually talk about it and just project an image of normality. So I'll go eat with them. I'll eat a 'normal' amount. I'll compliment on their culinary skills. And they will politely make conversation whilst I discreetly disappear & return with a puffy face & red eyes.
But this is how we live & friends like these... I still love them & I hope they love the fragments of me I work so hard to craft for them.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

The enemy of self-control: alcohol. Just before I left for Amsterdam, there was an 'incident' with someone's long-term boyfriend at a party. The Drunk Boyfriend is a really sweet guy and we were chatting about the User, I was so shocked by this sudden interest and empathy, I tried to express my gratitude in the only way I know: sex. He rejected me but the thought was there and now I'm terrified about facing the consequences of my 'indiscretion'. Whenever things go wrong, I run away, I close my eyes and black everything out until the past fades into nothing. Unfortunately, there's a party tomorrow and I can't escape.
I'm the girl everyone loves to hate.
They fuck your boyfriend, the one you've just fallen for.
They pretend they're naturally this thin. They're lying.
I hate girls like me.