The party was cancelled... Thank-you fate. Standing in a bikini, awkwardly trying to hide my various bulges from people, whilst trying to project an image of confidence, is my idea of hell. Throw in various failed attempts at 'intimacy' and the night could only have descended through shades of nightmare.
Decided not to weigh myself until the 31st August. I simply cannot stand on a scale and see some figure screaming 'failure' at me. I need to cling to the idea of tiny limbs and razor sharp hip bones without a number by which to judge my failures. Tried the ABC but found it was far too rigid for me, so trying something slightly different. As long as I eat under 800 cals a day I'm going to burn fat/muscle & at least 2 of those meals must be negative cals... so basically cabbage soup, beetroot & salad. I googled negative foods and those are the only things I'm allowed to 'binge' on. See... these are rules I can live with. Cabbage soup by day & vodka diet coke by night. I've developed an obsession with weighing everything. I physically can't put something in my mouth without out knowing exactly how much it weighs and how many calories (exactly) are in it.
My 3 friends invited themselves to lunch today.. I know why. We never talk about the big, scary 'it'. You know, the term last year when i disappeared and didn't go to school for 2 months. But, as they tell me in their most patronizing voices (reserved for the really fucked up ones) they're always here for me. Just as long as I don't actually talk about it and just project an image of normality. So I'll go eat with them. I'll eat a 'normal' amount. I'll compliment on their culinary skills. And they will politely make conversation whilst I discreetly disappear & return with a puffy face & red eyes.
But this is how we live & friends like these... I still love them & I hope they love the fragments of me I work so hard to craft for them.