Sunday, 19 September 2010

"The end is where we start from" T.S. Eliot

I search for patterns in everything, in numbers, lists, initials, letters, shapes, time. Any way to impose meaning on the arbitrary events that shape my life. And some times I see the pattern leading me through the chaos. I got back from holiday with a close friend, just me and her and our suitcases in a beautiful foreign city. I felt free for the first time in months, away from the memories of failure and a summer totally saturated in apathy. I thought maybe I was really free. I ate without the numbers, the guilt, the fear, the planning, the purge. It was beautiful. Total sober silence.
It always seems the kindest people I know unleash the demons inside me, the ones who try to destroy everything I've built. Or maybe being around these people just lets me be myself. I haven't made up my mind yet. We had been off the plane for about 12 hours before I noticed that she was deliberately skipping meals, insisting we walked everywhere, the way she scrutinised every packet and how she couldn't resist reading every menu we passed out loud before insisting she was still full from the raisins she'd eaten four hours before. And I saw what I used to be. Yet, what disturbed me most was the smugness I felt. She was thin but not skinny. And clueless. She'd starve herself and then eat ridiculous high calorie, low vitamin shit. She told me about her diet and how all she wanted to be was thin and I smiled and told her she looked gorgeous. I didn't tell her the breakfast bars she munched were a waste of calories, that her hatred of fruit and vegetables was a joke and that she'd never be really thin. Not the way I know I can be. I felt so arrogant - enriched, empowered by my knowledge, by the blogs I read, by the weight goals I achieved back in the 'bad old days'. And I knew then and there that I couldn't be normal.
I want to scream - I was getting better - and she ruined everything. Or maybe she just reminded me what I'm meant to do. The patterns I'm meant to fulfill.

Friday, 3 September 2010

"Kill all my demons and my angels might die too" Tennessee Williams

Ophelia wrote - "when I neglect my true spirit, the demon simply grows stronger"
After leaving my job in disgrace, I've lived in my bedroom, eating and eating and crying and making arbitrary lists of things. I managed to look in the mirror for the first time in months and I am an absolute mess. Fortunately I haven't seen any friends so I haven't had to endure the whole 'oh... you're looking... healthier?' or 'oh lucky you - you actually have breasts now!' Reading what Ophelia wrote, I realised how sick I am of wallowing and feeling inadequate and ugly and invisible. So I made a list (of course) of the things that made me happiest. And there it was: Sex, alcohol, starvation.
That is who I am and in that order. What if that is my 'true spirit'? Some anonymous cunt told me I was a "dirty whore" which made me irate. If I was a man, then I could fuck whoever I wanted and I would be worshipped but as a woman, I'm despised. And the idea of being "dirty"? It's my body - I've fucked it up enough, why not literally too? But seriously, the whole notion that a woman's honour could be 'tainted', 'stained', 'tarnished' by having or even, horrifyingly, enjoying sex is deeply offensive. Perhaps what terrifies me the most, is the invisible misogyny and the irony that a large proportion of the media portrays anorexics as victims of this misogyny.
I don't even know. Are we victims of our own creation? Everything I've done to destroy my life has been my fault. I'm sick of being a victim of a mental disease. Am I sick? Probably - but absolutely not in the way my doctor thinks.
Thanks Ophelia, I think I've just had an epiphany.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

"What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life" Leo Buscaglia

Half a kilo of dried sour cherries.
Four chicken and sour cream enchiladas.
Three peanut butter cups.
100g milk chocolate.
A whole tirimasu.
2 cups of coffee with whole milk.
1 rhubarb crumble with double cream.
1 glass of strawberry and lime cider.
I still don't feel anything.