Friday, 3 September 2010

"Kill all my demons and my angels might die too" Tennessee Williams

Ophelia wrote - "when I neglect my true spirit, the demon simply grows stronger"
After leaving my job in disgrace, I've lived in my bedroom, eating and eating and crying and making arbitrary lists of things. I managed to look in the mirror for the first time in months and I am an absolute mess. Fortunately I haven't seen any friends so I haven't had to endure the whole 'oh... you're looking... healthier?' or 'oh lucky you - you actually have breasts now!' Reading what Ophelia wrote, I realised how sick I am of wallowing and feeling inadequate and ugly and invisible. So I made a list (of course) of the things that made me happiest. And there it was: Sex, alcohol, starvation.
That is who I am and in that order. What if that is my 'true spirit'? Some anonymous cunt told me I was a "dirty whore" which made me irate. If I was a man, then I could fuck whoever I wanted and I would be worshipped but as a woman, I'm despised. And the idea of being "dirty"? It's my body - I've fucked it up enough, why not literally too? But seriously, the whole notion that a woman's honour could be 'tainted', 'stained', 'tarnished' by having or even, horrifyingly, enjoying sex is deeply offensive. Perhaps what terrifies me the most, is the invisible misogyny and the irony that a large proportion of the media portrays anorexics as victims of this misogyny.
I don't even know. Are we victims of our own creation? Everything I've done to destroy my life has been my fault. I'm sick of being a victim of a mental disease. Am I sick? Probably - but absolutely not in the way my doctor thinks.
Thanks Ophelia, I think I've just had an epiphany.


  1. it's so true! a girl has sex with three people shes a slag.. a boy has sex with 13 people.. he's like a king. eurghh society today :|
    and people are too influence by the media.. they should make their own minds up :/ what if the media said anorexia was the way forward?! d'you think as many people would classify it as an illness?! i dont!
    gahh its frustrating :/ *rant over* xxx

  2. What a great post. Seriously. Everything was so well put. And the quote in the beginning was really moving.

    Trying to figure out how the fuck to type a standing ovation.


    /insert standing ovation here/


  3. so true, btw fuck the anon. egotistical little shit.
    such a great post, very empowering- and for some i think ana is an illness but for many its a choice. i dont consider me or my follwers sick, i consider them strong, powerful women or men that just want to be happy. theres nothing "sick" about that.

  4. I love you.
    that's all.
    I don't know the answers. I don't know if I chose this, if I was just the only girl born on that day with this infliction... I don't know if I do it because I love the pain, because it's my identity, because it's a Romantic notion. I don't know.
    Yes, I'm sure some people could make the choice to stop. I don't think we have that on/off switch. We're more complicated - for better or for worse.

    And an interesting top three... I think mine would be similar.
    Sex is the ultimate feeling, the ultimate sensation - the only thing more piercing that cutting and more light-headed than starving. Maybe we also use it as the ultimate punishment... like the other two. Sensation and punishment.
    and in many ways, I consider my true spirit to be a dream, an ideal... something lost

    And maybe we do pass on our commutes through London; perhaps that's why we feel so close
    Ophelia xxx

  5. I completely agree with Ophelia.. sex, alcohol, starvation. The top three things that simutaneously bring me the most joy and the most pain. Must be something in our dna that makes humans want what hurts.

  6. You have such a poetic quality to your writing. Do you listen to music as you write and think?

  7. i make lists too. all over the place. whiteboard, post-its, calendar, whole notebooks filled with them.

    you're right about men and women. the sad thing is that most people deplore sexism, but nobody actually does anything about it. i love that you don't give a fuck about how people think one should act as a woman. those anonymous comments make me sick. everybody seems to get them at some point and it's awesome to read that you didn't let it get to you. nobody should give a fuck about comments posted by someone who doesn't even have the balls to put down their id. anyway, it never occured to me that you were a whore, because you enjoy sex.

    you shouldn't consider yourself a victim. not even with this disease. you have a very strong and inspiring blog here. i agree that only we are responsible for our own actions, but that doesn't make us victims. even when life seems to have given up on us.

    love, io

  8. Wow...this was truly inspiring for me at this moment in time...your words have a tendency to do that sometimes. I have been neglecting my true spirit for far too long now...all for reasons of the happiness of others and now I'm lost. If this is your true self...own proud of it...fuck everyone else. You are beautiful...don't let the uglies of the world defile your beauty.

    Same 3...different order...
    Gotta Love it...Much love darling

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  10. I got called a slag.
    Several times.
    But the guys I know who fuck whoever they like, are praised, laughed at, they're all happy for them.
    It's discusting.
    Media is discusting.
    This post made souch sense.

  11. Your writing has humbled me, and made me see what a prejudiced, jugemental person I am apt to be.
    I thought that people (men included) who sleep with someone different every night were, as your "annonymous cunt" so delicately put it, dirty whores. But that is because, for me, making love could only be with someone I love unbearably, irrevocably, and unconditionally. I never thought about it from someone else's view, from your view. You showed me that everyone is human, and makes mistakes, and does things that they may regret later.
    I will not change my principles, but I will accept other peoples, without making cruel judgements about them.

    Thank you very much for you honest writing, I hope you will be truly happy someday.

  12. You are so intelligent. Such a shame I found your blog, and your inspiring posts, when your leaving it.

  13. no matter what will be thing will remain immortal..MALE EGO