Tuesday, 15 September 2009

I'm not quite sure how it happened. Somehow it went from vague promises of: 'Daisy, if you don't get fat immediately we're going to lock you up in some remote clinic for damaged teenagers.' Then, yesterday I was ambushed. I believe it was my family's imitation of an intervention. Apparently I'm off the rails. Crazed. Pyschotic. Pathologically fucked up.
Sex. Drugs. Lies.

And only last - anorexia.

But what if i'm not ill? What if this is me?

They're so ashamed and they want me to feel it too - the humiliation of being a fuck up from a 'loving family' with an 'excellent education' and everything i've ever wanted. I know why they're doing this and it's not because suddenly they've noticed i've lost 12kgs in 2 months and i'm drunk most of the time. Pasco wrote beautifully about reaching the very bottom and I think I've finally found it. The Beautiful One called me to tearfully admit to sleeping with the User, a few hours after a text from Long Term Crush came through saying we couldn't hang out anymore as he was trying to work things out with Big Tits Blonde. I think I passed out in the bath, my mum came in and pulled me out before I choked on my own vomit. It was the first time she'd seen me really naked, not just physically but as I am. Fucked up and sad.

Monday, 7 September 2009

I am so angry my hands are shaking - I have that empty, shaky, numb feeling cushioning me. Later, I'll feel it. Right now, I can only concentrate on the searing rage & desire to destroy something beautiful.
So what? There was a sexual revolution. People fuck each other. And you're allowed to enjoy it. Now apparently it's a 'symptom' - sexual promiscuity is another reason to get a label other than whore.
I try and stay numb. Then on facebook Big Tits Blonde's photos come up and it's her wrapped around Long Term Crush. Long Term Crush and I have been fucking casually for a while, even though I know when we're having sex, he's thinking of her. And inside my delusions, I'm convincing myself that I can fuck him until he loves me the way I love him. She laughs at/pities/despises me - she can go off, do anything, come back and he is her's without complication.
I thought I could fuck like a man. Feel nothing but pleasure. Clearly I can't and yet, I can't let him go.