Monday, 7 September 2009

I am so angry my hands are shaking - I have that empty, shaky, numb feeling cushioning me. Later, I'll feel it. Right now, I can only concentrate on the searing rage & desire to destroy something beautiful.
So what? There was a sexual revolution. People fuck each other. And you're allowed to enjoy it. Now apparently it's a 'symptom' - sexual promiscuity is another reason to get a label other than whore.
I try and stay numb. Then on facebook Big Tits Blonde's photos come up and it's her wrapped around Long Term Crush. Long Term Crush and I have been fucking casually for a while, even though I know when we're having sex, he's thinking of her. And inside my delusions, I'm convincing myself that I can fuck him until he loves me the way I love him. She laughs at/pities/despises me - she can go off, do anything, come back and he is her's without complication.
I thought I could fuck like a man. Feel nothing but pleasure. Clearly I can't and yet, I can't let him go.


  1. I had one of those. Thinking surely he would fall in love with me, but that I didn't care if her didn't. He didn't, and I did care.

    After 5 years, I honestly genuinely don't anymore. It is so wonderfully liberating to finally hate him :)


  2. I've been there, except she was a big-titted brunette.

    for months I tried convincing myself that I wasn't feeling anything, no, I was Invincible Sex Goddess, and he was just a man.

    I finally let him go, and it was a good three months before I was completely detached. was it worth it? absolutely.

  3. I'm kind of in the same situation right now with my ex...soo i can't really say much, sucks....

  4. Men and women seem to be different that way as women sense a deeper emotional attachment while having sex because the ramifications for their bodies is more profound (i.e. pregnancy).

    As Viola said, the best thing is to let go. Sadly, it seems you've hit a dead end and the negativity compounds from your feelings for him and the jealousy you have for the 'big titted blond'.

  5. Boys are hardly ever worth it. And if you ask me- he's a waste of your time.
    Go for someone who will show you respect! that's most important.


    p.s. If you don't know me it's cuz I'm new. My blog is on art therapy and eating disorders :) if you want to check it out here is the link: