Friday, 3 July 2009

I always avoid writing during, after or inbetween bingeing. It just feels so helpless, like I'm flailing around, oscillating between bingeing and feeling utterly apathetic to the point of not even purging. Then the next morning and waking up with some new resolution about never eating again. Technically summer is the best time to fast, you can live on fruit and salad without anyone batting an eyelid. However, everywhere you're tortured by teeny-tiny arms and skinny thighs as people show off their perfect bodies. I don't want to leave the house when I feel like this.. The Beautiful One text me to tell me all about this party I spurned last night (in theory I was going to stay home and do pilates for 2 hours, really I just binged) to tell me all about the User and his latest conquest. Honestly, i don't care. He got rid of me because I was fat and that should be sufficient motivation to stop this pointless bingeing...
This might be my last post for awhile. Leaving for Amsterdam on Wednesday and have exactly 11 euros a day to spend... that should ensure I have no choice but fast. But how do I explain that to the three girls I'm going with? I feel their eyes, silently judging me, evaluating every public mouthful. And yet - they stay silent. If one of them had just said something maybe all this would be different. Ha ha the paradox - I'd do anything to hide this from them and yet I just crave attention for the goals I have achieved.
Thanks for all your comments, sounds toe-curlingly cringey but they are such huge motivation to carry on and to pursue perfection.
Anyway... good luck and stay strong!


  1. I do the same, eat like I have never seen food in my life and then the next morning come up with a rule with myself on how I will never take a step towards food again. and although I don't want anyone to know, do everything I can to hide it, I sometimes wish people would notice, maybe even care?
    I hope you have an amazing time in amsterdam, x.

  2. We have a lot in common. You are very inspiring! Good luck with all of your goals!

    Here's my blog:

  3. Good luck! You will be fine - I think it's so easy to criticize yourself and assume others are doing the same, but everyone has their own hang-ups and what's important to you doesn't matter to someone else! (Think about all the times you've had haircuts and get annoyed no one notices...haha!) So most people don't even realize you've put on/lost weight, and these are the best kind of people because they don't judge you on appearances.

    Hope you feel better x

  4. I have the worst time fasting during summer because I risk boredom eating so badly! When the year starts again, with my schedule full to kingdom come of school, dance, and work; that is my time to fast.

  5. Your pictures are SO beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing them. They made me think of Robert Frost. S2 Love from Brazil, young lady. Please take more pictures!!