Monday, 7 December 2009

Back home. Claustrophobic as always, I thought I'd beaten this. A month of freedom, no scales, no calorie counting and now back home, and all I can think of is the exact volume of balsamic vinegar I just poured onto my salad. She walks into the room, her look of disapproval mixed with self-pity. Her calculated sighs - pity me, pity me. What do you want me to say? Oh thank-you mother, you've sacrificed so much for me. I know, of course I fucking know. It's not like you don't remind me everyday of the people you've discarded, the dreams you gave up, the lovers that left, the pain I cause you. But you began this, emotional blackmail? Ha, you've only taught me how to be even better at it than you.
Today started as a good day. This week felt like a good week. It's monday evening and already I can't wait to escape. The Boyfriend is coming to visit. Or maybe. Everytime I say goodbye I feel like it's the very last time. Passively I wait for him to dump me. So I cheated. I lied about it afterwards. I wanted this one to be special. We still haven't had sex, two weeks into our relationship, I consider this a record. He still believes I am totally balanced, in control, normal. Why in the hell have I invited him home? Back to the source of everything? How do you purge your body of paranoia? How do you convince yourself that when he tells you you're beautiful it's not just because he's drunk and hoping this is the way into you. How do I reconcile myself with the fact that home is toxic? And why is the person who loves me most, the source of so much pain? I don't understand. It's why I fast. Silence in starvation.


  1. It's hard to believe that someone might actually love you, isn't it? I know, I feel it everyday.
    You've just got to try your hardest to believe it, or you'll just make things around you seem so much worse.
    I hope your okay x

  2. Same thing with me-
    I know it's hard to believe somone wants to be with you, let alone love you.
    If he didn't want you he wouldn't stick around.

  3. firstly, I'm extremely jealous of your writing skills.
    secondly, i know the feeling. i wish i could get inside my boyfriends head to see what he's really thinking.
    you just have to believe that you are lovable, because you are. theres no reason why somebody can't love you.
    take care, i'll be reading from now on.
    love katie

  4. I feel like I really connect with you and your writing. I think you might find my blog interesting too based on your last post. Let me know what you think. xoxo -Kate

  5. Been reading your blog... it's only because of the anonymity of the Internet that I can tell you that a small part of me is falling in love with the person you project on here.

  6. I really miss your updates, your writing is so beautiful.

  7. Nobody ugly could write as beautifully as you. This will pass, life will fill the emptiness and you won't even remember how you felt. Twenty years from now you will unexpectedly find a photo and think 'what beautiful skin.'
    Keep writing at least, you have a voice. That's so rare.