Thursday, 18 February 2010

I lied. I knew he'd come round on valentine's day. The casually keen text sent late on sunday evening from the Ex-Boyfriend. The one I loved, the one I felt so safe in his arms, the one who finally silenced the hatred and let me finally get undressed without shuddering and numbing myself with alcohol first. So I dumped him. It's only now I can see the cruelty. My casual invitation to drop round (only after my legs were shaved and my silkiest lace was on), followed by the banal chat at 1am. The casual suggestion he stay the night as it was so late and he seemed so tired. Oh where are my pajamas? Oh well nothing you haven't seen before...
I miss you, he says, forlornly. I kiss him.
And then we have the best sex of my entire life. The sort of sex they write about in cosmo with the bland promise that if only you communicate with your partner and buy the right lingerie you too will have mind-blowing simultaneous orgasms. Lies. All you need is one emotionally raw dumpee and a lover with voracious desire to prove you're still alive, desperate for bruised bones and you have an unbeatable recipe for the sort of sex that leaves your body shuddering in waves of ectasy and exhaustion, heightened by a sense of emotional betrayal and the imminent danger of heart-break. Oh well... I think he enjoyed it too.


  1. Strange that we push the hardest against the ones we love the most.

    This was a beautiful post.

  2. beautifully written. im so jealous of your great sex lol.i think if i could get C to last more than 2 minutes then i would enjoy it more :P
    stay strong

  3. this was beautiful, I agree with the previous comment, sometimes we just lie to ourselves.
    it always comes back in the end.

  4. This is beautiful.

    i just broke up with my boyfriend last week, and the sex was the best and worst i've ever had.

    i might post about it.
    you inspired me.

    love to you.

  5. Your writting, is so dense, so amazing, so beautiful.
    very intense,
    I wish I could vebalise (or record properly) the intensity of my feelings.
    Thats all I feel, I feel things with such intensity it is like my body is about to crack open and supernova. Like a super hot star.

  6. loved this post. makes me want to dump my boyfriend

  7. You're writing reminds me of Marya Hornbacher's Wasted. Very prolific! Keep it up.

  8. your writing is poetry.

    thank you for sharing your thoughts with the rest of the world. Please don't stop writing - your words cling to me long after i've shut down the computer.
    You have a gift.

    i wish you happiness.
    although we all wish for that, don't we?


  9. Your writing is so raw. I love it.

  10. This is an incredibly intense post, I can only agree with the other commenters in saying thank you, thank you for sharing your beautiful writing and your thoughts.

  11. You write so incredibly when you write about sex and desperation. Makes me wanna act on my desperation to be alive.