Friday, 1 October 2010

Sometimes, I think this is all just an illusion. Layers and layers of self-deception, the lies of others that we happily accept, the impossible dreams we chase, the lies we tell others desperate to believe in the happy ending. Today I saw the ex-boyfriend and I felt nothing until I remembered how quickly he told me he loved and how much I wanted to believe him. I did. And then I remembered how quickly it was over. And how quickly he replaced with a new, more beautiful, skinnier girlfriend. I wonder if he tells her he loves her. Or whether he thinks about me when he fucks her. Does he fuck her the way he did me? The violence I loved. Does she make him hurt her too? Does he tell her it's the best sex he's ever had too? When he looks at her body is he grateful he dumped me? Does she love him the way I did?
And I think it's all a lie. The lies we tell each other because we want to pretend that we're in love, that we're loved, that we're real, that we matter. And truly we don't. The realisation that you're utterly replacable is heart breaking. I want to cling to some memory of him but everything seems so tarnished and fake and transitory. I want to believe I was loved but I can't. And I want to so badly.


  1. Hun...You are not replaceable! You are so unique! Jerks like him though, are not, sadly.
    Stay strong dear!!

  2. You were loved, you are loved, and until you love yourself, you won't realize that. Such bullshit coming from me, I know. But I think its true. Funny I can feel so strongly about advice for other people and hope for them to feel better when I feel the exact same way that they do - pot calling the kettle black.

    Telling ourselves little lies gets us through the day, and thats self preservation. Nothing wrong with that at all, right?

  3. I used to think I has something of a love story too. It seemed so perfect. The timing of each stage in our love was flawlessly timed, the way he looked right into my eyes when he told me for the first time that he could never live without me. I believed it all, every word, and when I said it all back to him I felt my heart break yet complete simultaneously. It was selfish of him to do it. Still don't know if he really meant it.

    He says he still loves me. But we can't be together because we are too close.

    He fucks various older men. My 15 year old female body could never compare. So I'm still not eating. x

  4. I know exactly how you feel. You're not alone.


    stay storng, deary. <3

  5. Daisy I've been reading your blog for so so long but it's never let me comment! Now I've made my own so I can FINALLY reply! YAY!

    I completely agree with lovelybones. As hypocritical as it is, until we love ourselves we will never feel the love. And even if it's from halfway around the world I hope you feel the BONE CRUSHING hugs I'm sending you right now! xoxox

  6. I want to love, but reading this makes me confused. I know what you are saying is true and I don't want to under go such pain, but at the same time. I want to love even though I know he'll hurt me. He has done it often enough. UGH! Why are boys so complicated. I want to believe I do mean something to him. But I don't know.

  7. I know this comment is well overdue but I couldn't help it...

    When we remove the distractions of feelings and emotions all we have are facts and the fact is that no matter who he fucks or what he says to how many women, what they have together will never be the same as what you had. It doesn't matter if he repeats the same lines over and over again and if she replies with the same answers. People are replaceable, you are not. You are different than anyone else. Your thoughts, your feelings, your reactions, everything that is purely yours to control can never be copied. You are not replaceable. People are fake. Love is not. I believe you cannot question love. You can't because it's more powerful than that. There is no way to describe it. Love is a word. It is meaningless and empty. Actions of love are what make love real. If you think what you had was love, you are in for an overwhelming shock when you find it. I hope you find it sooner rather than later. You deserve it.

  8. You cannot be replaced. Every person on this earth is unique.