Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Thank you everyone for the lovely things you said, and thank you to the anonymous bloggers who said what I couldn't. It's undeniably true - I love my mental disease far more than I love my body, my family, my friends, the people I fuck. I live in a place, distant from reality, where I can nurture my delusions. And they're beautiful too - if you pretend hard enough, eventually reality disappears and nothing hurts quite as much as it did before. I think I constructed some malleable notion of love in order to create the illusion that I could still come back. That some irrevocable connection would rescue me. Paradoxically, I know I'm the only person that can rescue me. I'm not lost, I'm hiding.
it's so easy to disguise the ugly truth when you hide in words, meaningless, pointless, futile, broken, empty, hollow words.


  1. I agree with you. I love Ana and Mia even though they hurt so bad.

    And, you are so right, we are all hiding.

  2. This post is beautiful and honest.

  3. I love your writing. It's amazingly poetic and incredible. I completely connect to what you're saying

  4. I'm sorry about your boyfriend. It really upset me to read the negative comments here. Yes, sometimes the shock tactic of being shaken round the shoulders or slapped in the face can help - but not here and not now. Not in this situation. It's completely uncalled for when clearly you need help and support.

    Judging by the volume of nice comments here it would seem you have that in abundance.

    Keep writing,
    violet x

  5. honest post!!...attractive writings!!

  6. just started following you and I LOVE YOUR WRITING!! why was I not following you before?! What you wrote is amazingly true of so many of us girls. But I could never explain it the way you did. AMAZING!!

  7. I just stumbled upon your blog. I too have had some REALLY harsh anonymous comments left on my blog re: ED...
    it stings.

    I love your honesty and matter-of factfulness. you own up to loving the illness, and I can relate. I have a 3 year old and it breaks my heart every time I choose the ED over life with him...

    tia @ DietColaGirl

  8. Please come back. I only just started following you, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts. I love your writing.

  9. Hi there, I randomly found you page...and although I can not relate...you're words have affected me more than I expected.

    I write the food blog www.followmefoodie.com so although out blogs are almost completely opposite - your blog holds a power that is completely different than mine.

    I hope that blogging gives you whatever it is that you need. From a dedicated foodie, I give you much love.

  10. your blog is beautiful and so heartfelt..
    it's inspiring to read :)

  11. I wish you would blog more often ...

  12. your writing is beautiful. <3.

  13. Your words are not futile, nor hollow, not for me, not for many others and honestly I think...not for you. Negativity breads negativity. Compassion, especially where understanding is not possible, can be a priceless thing.

    I hope u r able to continue to take other peoples nastiness on the chin and keep your head high. Struggling with an ED is a daily battle and choosing to love it is often our only option if we want to keep going.

    Hmmm, I didn't mean to make this so long, I just wanted you to know that most of your readers know how brave you are being. I just finished LLB Law at UEA and I chose my ED and need for numbness, that often only drugs could bring, time and time again. It took me 5 years and I left with a grade my tutor called; "unrepresentative of my potential" but I DID finish and you seem, somehow, to have found a balance between succeeding and being able to manage the crazy, constantly hectic head turmoil.

    For that you have my respect and admiration and I want to ask every negative commenter if they could undertake such an endeavour?

    Thinking of you (despite being nearly a year late!)