Monday, 7 February 2011

There's a phantom in my bed// And I'm all alone now

I'm not sad or numb, just paralysed by inertia. And a man is the cause of it all, or maybe he's the symptom. Or men. Or sex. I started seeing the American again. Originally he was just a body to numb the loneliness and make the drunken wander home that little bit shorter. Except he wasn't into casual sex, originally, and he became one of those challenges. Daisy vs Morality had a certain ring to it - it seems that persuading 'moral' men to have sex with me became a way to prove that in this chaotic world I have power. It might just be the power to destroy someone's moral integrity followed by the brief satisfaction of winning. But then again, as my psychologist pointed out, I've stopped seeing men as people. Objectification. Revenge. Every man is revenge on the ex-Boyfriend, every time they fuck me, your touch is forgotten a little bit more. The American started off like that - just, he held me tightly after we'd had sex, told me how amazing it felt, how grateful he was to be fucking a teenager. And when we fall asleep, I fall asleep with his arms wrapped around me and pressed against his chest. And I feel safe, I know he'd never hurt me. But as I finally told him last night - our relationship is entirely disposable. I feel like the time has come to end it - this casual sex, this make believe relationship. I want the real thing, what I've always wanted and what I keep losing and destroying. I'm just terrified of being alone. Inertia//terror.


  1. REally liked this post, I don't know why but it just sort of seemed to make sense to me?
    Sounds like you're starting to get it sorted a little in your head.

    You're only truely alone if you choose to be, you want someone in your life you have to show them that and open up.


  2. I hope you find someone amazing one day that loves you no matter what and will never run from you and always be by your side. You deserve it!

  3. so glad you're back!
    I mean REALLY glad.

    Love your posts, love
    the way you write.
    you're not alone, daisy.
    and you're beautiful,
    although i've never
    seen you. wishing you all the best!

  4. Hi, hun <3
    I am running a thinspo-blog where I upload 20-50 thinspo-pics per day.
    Maybe you have a picture or a few you want me to post?
    You can at least check the page out :)
    Take care!

  5. Hello girls I have returned to blogger after trying to lose weight the healthy way and developing a better mental health I gave up I threw it all away to become "Delicate!!" Threw all my hard work away so I could eat from one extreme to another, to get to my goals quicker!! As many of us do we give up and think it will be easier and quicker to try a stupid diet which you only end up binging and back to square one!!

    I am ashamed of my choices and want to continue down my path of being healthy!! I can not believe I nearly threw it all away!! I have decided to give it my all 100% and nothing less!! I will reach my GOALS but in a HEALTHY way!!

    I too want to look great in a Bikini, in that Little Party Dress, in those CK Jeans but I want to ROCK them without feeling GUILTY, without LYING to all those around me and to not be KILLING MYSELF in the process!! I want to look HOT in ULTIMATE HEALTH and HAPPINESS, I want to have AWESOME SELF ESTEEM and I want to ROCK CONFIDENCE!! I want to earn the JOY of achieving HEALTH - HAPPINESS - SELF ESTEEM and CONFIDENCE the right way not the wrong way!! I want this more than anything in LIFE and I am going to get it !! It is now or never, there is no looking back!! Please support me and I will return the favor

    I am putting this every where because I know I will influence at least one person out in this great big world to never give up and to keep trying!!

  6. I catch myself trying to destroy the wonderful thing I have right now. I'm flirting with other men, toying with the idea of sleeping with someone else all because I feel unworthy of the love he shows me. If I maintain my power, continue to seduce other men, then I'm telling myself our relationship is disposable & so unimportant to me that I'm willing to cheat with a's the only way I know to protect myself.

    I obviously can't figure out what terrifies me more - being in a relationship or being alone.

  7. I agree with K, I love the way you write.

    Seeing what we do in relationship is important
    to unterstand what we want in relationships.
    Love is worth looking for.

  8. I'm new to your blog and do not want to be presumptuous, but I can say I might understand what you're going through. I know everyone says that, but I've been through similar feelings an utter apathy that made me want to sink into my mattress and stay in a fetal position for ages. But no one knew, I was fun and confident and happy, but that side of me was like muscle memory. Words and laughs came out of my mouth and sometimes I couldn't even remember what I had said minutes afer saying it because my reactions were so perfectly automated. So I wrote and wrote and got a degree in Creative Writing and moved to a different country. Sometimes re-invention helps people figure out who they are at their core, learn their weaknesses, and accept their own faults. I hated being alone because I hated my own thoughts and feelings, I hated who I'd turned myself into essentially. I don't know why you're scared of being alone, but I believe understanding what you want from yourself is more important than understanding what you from someone else. Love is worth looking for, but so is passion, fun, laughter, ambition, and happiness. And love isn't a direct doorway to all of those emotions either. Bit long winded sorry.