Sunday, 13 March 2011

fear no more the heat o' the sun

Do you ever look back at who you were and smile? Just remembering what it felt like to inhabit that skin, however it felt? I read through all my old posts and it's like looking at someone else, not just a smudged reflection. I weigh about a stone and a half more than I did the first time I posted, and I've eaten about... well, I'm not sure how many calories I've eaten today. The girl living next door has an eating disorder. I hate her for it, but she doesn't trigger me anymore. We bake together - she purges, I don't.
This all sounds horribly smug. It's grim a lot of the time and I still flick through magazines longing for skinny arms, tiny thighs. I had those once. I also had a beard, the shakes, constant hunger pangs and rotting teeth. And I couldn't even look at that tiny body I spent so much time perfecting. I still think about the ex-Boyfriend all the time and when I'm drunk I end up crying outside the American's house, hoping he'll open the door and forget I dumped him and tell me he loves me. I dream about being touched, about fingers tracing my silhouette and being held. About being loved. I've done casual sex, I've done anonymous sex, I've done crazy sex, I've done irresponsible sex, I've done in love sex and it still didn't stop the loneliness. So I made myself a promise the other day - no more sex until I'm in love. I kept my other promise - no more hating - and it took me a few years but I'm still here. And I'm so fucking grateful.


  1. I love you.
    Nice to hear from you again.
    I hope that you're okay, lovely.

  2. <3

    I wish there was a way to stop ex boyfriend haunting you.

  3. I love this.
    When I time to time read my old blogs I've never had the heart to delete, it feels like I'm looking into someone else's mind. Actually, I find it quite satisfying sometimes, to see that I am developing - or have a weird weird personality, but I'd like to stay optimistic about this one.
    And the ex-boyfriend part is so true, too.
    Your blog is great.

  4. I read your blog regularly, and i think you are so strong. i've actually been reading your blog before, but i had a big relapse. anyways, i hope you are okay, i really do.

    Oh God, I've missed the comfort of these blogs so much it hurts now.


  5. Wow I can't believe in some other post you mentioned that you were called shallow. You're incredibly deep. I hope your okay.