Monday, 12 September 2011
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife, I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
My sister is the same age as I was when I first started writing this blog - a fact I only realised a couple of days ago when my sister and I were talking about school. She told me how she used to call my cousin and the two of them would discuss different ways to persuade me to eat and would spend hours worrying about my weight but too frightened of actually speaking to me about it. At the time it felt like absolutely no one cared. My mother is still in complete denial about that whole period of my life. Its as if she sees it as a personal vendetta against her any time I try the raise the issue responding that she didn't want to say anything because she knew it wouldn't make any difference and she would ask my brother to speak to me. If there's been a 'breakthrough' moment then speaking to him was it but she deserves absolutely no credit for that intervention.
My mother is diabetic and a compulsive eater so food has always been an issue in my family. My sister and I are banned from bringing any form of sugar or carbohydrate into the house and any baking which I used to thank her for (until I felt the need to binge) but I think this is the reason I can't find a middle ground. It's always been all or nothing. For example, today my mother bought twelve doughnuts for me and her to gorge before she returns to strict atkins and I flail around trying to find some eating plan. At Christmas I'll be spending five weeks on the beach and need to some how lose all the fat I've accumulated from endless binges and I'm determined to do it the 'normal' way. I'm just not entirely sure what that is. I'm at home for another couple of weeks and then I'll be back in my own place where I can control what food is in my fridge and cupboards. I'm already set on joining the gym as soon as I'm back at uni but apart from that I'd really appreciate any suggestions, especially for recipes avoiding carbs whilst I'm at home and sharing a kitchen with my mother...
** I'm not entirely sure why I chose this photo - perhaps it reflects my other form of escapism, ironic given that I only heard the quote when reading an article about how Lindsay got it to celebrate new found sobriety**