Thursday, 26 August 2010

I haven't taken a photo in weeks. It sounds petty in the grand scheme of things, but I used to rationalise that when you're as self-consumed as I generally am, at least I could see beauty in the tiny details of the world around me. Even when everything I do seems to be somehow tarnished or destined to fall apart then it was a comfort to know I could draw massive pleasure from the tiny petals of a perfect flower or noticing the way the light illuminated a vase of flowers. Knowing that the flower would inevitably decay and yet, I had captured that moment of perfection. It's rained for weeks. I spend my days in front of the tv until someone yells at me to get a job, at which point I usually change the channel. I just have no motivation to do anything. I live off cabbage soup for three days and then when someone offers me approximately 16, 789 calories in the form of a family meal I'm too apathetic to refuse or even purge afterwards. Even my new form of self-torture can't shake this apathy. Inevitably after bingeing, I find myself on the facebook photos of the ex-Boyfriend's new girlfriend. (yes, he did dump me because he had too many 'issues' to cope with a relationship and because he had too little time for me and because he didn't want to hurt me anymore and because...) I'm pretty sure she has an ED. Spindly arms, bony legs, jutting hips, chiseled cheekbones. Everything I want. And I imagine them having sex. And I imagine him holding her and telling her he loves her and holding her hand and making his awkward jokes and her waking up and finding him next to her.
So clearly he didn't dump me because he didn't have enough time for a girlfriend. You just have to read the comments people have left on here to realise that. And I have this overwhelming desire to passively be a victim. I want to stay and cry in front of my computer and then eat and eat and eat and cry and eat and cry and cry and eat.


  1. who needs him! you are too good for him obviously, andit is his loss. you will find someone that deserves you, that will love and worship you! you shouldnt have to waste your time worrying about him, there is someone better out there waiting for you hun!


  2. Fuck him...seriously...listen to BellaAna's comment, it's true. I've always wondered if falling in love with the one's that don't love us back is just another way of punishing ourselves. I don't think I've ever had a normal relationship, don't give have this inner beauty that shines through your writing, I'm sure you're even more amazing in person. Much love and happiness

  3. i agree with everything said in the comment above!! sometimes single is also more fun :) its not so bad not having a boyf, i promise :) xxx

  4. He is an asshole. Truly the best excess weight you have EVER lost!

    I'm making shooing motions at the universe to get it to hurry your prince charming to you.

    I love you so much, try picking up your camera and taking photos of your toes to get back on your feet. Silly? yes. Fun, maybe? I don't know. Straws, dearhear, straws.


  5. Oh God, I'm sorry you're feeling this bad.
    I really care and therefor I'm going to say somethings you're not going to like but you know are true - Here I go: For all I know he has hurt you this whole year, and again you're giving him what he wants, he left you for something better ( harsh, I didn't mean to hurt you), he lied to you and cheated on you, you're probably saying it's not his bad and you still love him. But you got to use all the frustration to get back on track. To better yourself, eating and crying is only getting you further & further away from those goals.

    Take care of yourself, let your beauty shine through ( you're beautiful even though you can't see)and in the end you'll get what you want in life. We all need to start believing sometime, it's the only thing that gets us out of the shit and on the right path. We can all feel pity & sorry for you. But it's only you who can really help yourself. We'll support you! Lots of Love & think about it!


  6. i am so, so, sorry. you are beautiful, do you know that? your soul and your thoughts and your appreciation for beauty- none of that can be tainted by someone, even if your heart feels crushed. i await your recovery.

    xoxo, coco

  7. I agree with the above comments, letting yourself be a victim is only giving in to what he has done. Be strong, fight back, become even more beautiful than you were before. I see absolutely no reason in taking a while to cry first though, I do sometimes feel better after letting myself wallow for a little bit, I come out sronger.

  8. God. Daisy. I feel your pain.
    I read your words. And I.. I know and understand.
    I guess a lot of people say that.
    I think you're incredible.
    (I guess a lot of people say that too..)
    But you are.
    For some unexplainable reason, I love you, and I wish I knew you. I wish I could meet you and know you know all my secrets and you know all mine, and it doesn't matter that we're so broken and bleeding, because, I dunno... because we're together somehow.
    What you wrote in this post, and the last... almost every time it touches me in the bleeding places of my body and heals them a little.
    I am thankful, really, thankful, for every time I read your words.
    You really make me feel less alone.

    Ophelia xx

  9. You write beautifully. As Peridot says... that guy is probably "the best excess weight you've ever lost" :). Bingo there!