I haven't taken a photo in weeks. It sounds petty in the grand scheme of things, but I used to rationalise that when you're as self-consumed as I generally am, at least I could see beauty in the tiny details of the world around me. Even when everything I do seems to be somehow tarnished or destined to fall apart then it was a comfort to know I could draw massive pleasure from the tiny petals of a perfect flower or noticing the way the light illuminated a vase of flowers. Knowing that the flower would inevitably decay and yet, I had captured that moment of perfection. It's rained for weeks. I spend my days in front of the tv until someone yells at me to get a job, at which point I usually change the channel. I just have no motivation to do anything. I live off cabbage soup for three days and then when someone offers me approximately 16, 789 calories in the form of a family meal I'm too apathetic to refuse or even purge afterwards. Even my new form of self-torture can't shake this apathy. Inevitably after bingeing, I find myself on the facebook photos of the ex-Boyfriend's new girlfriend. (yes, he did dump me because he had too many 'issues' to cope with a relationship and because he had too little time for me and because he didn't want to hurt me anymore and because...) I'm pretty sure she has an ED. Spindly arms, bony legs, jutting hips, chiseled cheekbones. Everything I want. And I imagine them having sex. And I imagine him holding her and telling her he loves her and holding her hand and making his awkward jokes and her waking up and finding him next to her.
So clearly he didn't dump me because he didn't have enough time for a girlfriend. You just have to read the comments people have left on here to realise that. And I have this overwhelming desire to passively be a victim. I want to stay and cry in front of my computer and then eat and eat and eat and cry and eat and cry and cry and eat.