Tuesday, 27 July 2010

This is the only concrete memory of that night - a fading bruise clinging on. I don't remember the end of the meal, by that time I was far gone into my usual drunken repetoire. Guess how much of me is real? Guess how many people I've slept with? Guess the most horrible thing I've done? And somewhere in the midst of that blurry night, I found myself in the bed of a stranger and agreed to have sex with him. I remember flashes of it, kneeling on his bed, kissing his chest, him pulling off my knickers, pushing my dress up, pulling my bra down, kissing me hard, and then having sex with him. And then making him promise not to tell anyone before I got dressed and walked off. I see him later, I take the cigarette from his lips. He got his flight in the morning and I never spoke to him again. I will probably never see him again. The only connection I have to him is the friendship request on facebook. I see photos of him and his girlfriend. I think they'd just celebrated their year and a half anniversary. They make a beautiful couple. She is beautiful.
And I can't stop looking at his facebook, looking for clues. Who was he? And I don't know why. I don't know why I feel this need to give him a personality, to give him context. He was the anonymous stranger I get to fuck. The anonymous stranger whose meant to numb the pain for a while and stop me thinking of the ex-boyfriend. It worked. I can't think of the ex-boyfriend without feelings of overwhelming guilt. It wasn't just the anonymous stranger I fucked that night. I had sex with one of my female co-workers afterwards. She knew and she still had sex with me. In the morning she kissed me back, stroked my body and held me until I stopped shaking. She told me I was beautiful and asked me why I'd waited so long to make a move on her. And all I could think of was the Stranger as I lay in bed with this beautiful woman.
Why? Why? Why?
I don't know why I do anything any more. I knew I wanted to get drunk that night. And I knew it would end something like that. And I still did it, knowing fully that the next morning all I would feel is shame and guilt and disgust. I didn't even use a condom with the Stranger. But I can't get a test yet - I only went last week because I was so angry with the ex-Boyfriend and wanted to prove to him how I disgusted I was with Rose. But I am her. I don't even care enough about myself to use protection. What am I?


  1. you are looking for freedom, a little liberation, a little rebellion, even for only a few moments to feel real. at least, that is the way it is for me.

  2. You are human. That isn't the worst thing anyone has ever done. We all make mistakes, and even though right now it hurts, I am sure you are strong enough to overcome anything. You will prevail. <3

  3. sound like your a young lady having fun the way young people do. You need to go through this stage before your ready to settle down. Its natural.

    If it made you smile when you done it , then don't regret it.


  4. You are torn up and hurting. You need copious hugs and love.


  5. You are beautiful. Even when you don't believe it. OK, so you made a few stupid mistakes. Who doesn't? Someday, you'll find someone who really loves you, who will protect you and not hurt you.

  6. What you write is dripping with sincerity and truth. You express the pure, unabashed contradiction of human nature--at times when we hurt the most, need the most love and comfort, we want to do things that will end up hurting us more. We throw away our map when we realize we are lost. Don't worry, you are only human. And a beautiful one at that. Much love, mon ami :)


  7. I'm so sorry.
    I wish you knew just how much you deserve to care about yourself.
    This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read.

    Please take care.

    vanilla finnegan

  8. You're a whore Daisy. You're a dirty whore.

  9. what a mean thing to say! to the person above me! Who cares what you do when ur drunk? Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. You just have to find someone that see's past your flaws.

  10. Sometimes, we make mistakes. It is okay to make mistakes. But please, take care of YOU! Give yourself a hug from me, and take care of you!

  11. Wow. Your neck, it's.... huge. Almost giraffe like. I could imagine kissing that. You are beautiful. Searching for something you can't find. Leaving a trail of heartache and uncertainty behind you. You are young. I hope you find it. I think you finally will. But you love the tragedy and the pain of love. It makes you feel real. I hope you can learn to love the goodness of love, not love the sting of hurt.

  12. "I hurt myself today
    to see if I still feel
    I focus on the pain
    the only thing that's real
    the needle tears a hole
    the old familiar sting
    try to kill it all away
    but I remember everything
    what have I become?" Johnny Cash ...

    You remind me of someone I know from long ago.

    Self loathing, full of hatred giving myself away to death cheerfully. Making mistakes consciously just to see if I'm still alive...

    Anyways... Why do we have to screw up what we love the most???

    "Sometimes I think I was born backwards... you know, come out of my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love, I hate, and the people I hate..." Effy Stonem

    You can't try to pretend life is perfect when it's not, but maybe it won't be even in a million years time... So, why not start to get on well with the only one person who will be always there: yourself?

    And one more thing, EAT. Starvation is not the answer, your self-destructive campaign will get you nothing but all those hideous scars you wonderfully beautified in your posts.

    Love your writing.

    Hopefully you'll soon find out you've always got what you needed.

  13. I just flicked to your blog by chance and read through your most recent post, and now I'm kind of hooked on your writing.
    I completely agree with half the people above me; You made a mistake- but the way I see it is, these things happened, and in a weird way you'll learn something from them and then good will come out of that. Don't be upset by it, even if its hard to get past how infurriated you are with yourself.
    Only two weeks ago I went through a similar situation, the thing is, a lot of my friends would say I'm the "innocent" one, so I spent the next week beating myself up about the whole thing, obsessing over the guy and worrying what would happen if anyone ever found out- because I would never tell anyone, not even my best friend.
    stay strong, and don't let other people's perceptions get you down. Its in the past and things can only get better from here right?

  14. I love the way you write, I just discovered your blog and I already like it.
    Don't blame yourself for last night, you are hurt and you have the right to do things like that. And it made it better, even just for one moment. So don't feel guilty because of it.
    I send you love and support,

  15. God, I feel the pain in your words... I also went through a period of time in my life where I wasn't so "selective" when it came to men and sex. I just realized that sex is NOT love and we all make mistakes. I know the perfect man is somewhere waiting just for us... Don't feel bad about yourself please! We are only HUMAN!

    Lots of kisses,



  16. honestly, no. why would you choose to do this guy when you KNOW he's already in a relationship? Use a little common sense here. You make your own decisions. He didn't rape you, you CHOSE to have sex. so suck it up and move on.

  17. You write so beautifully!