Thursday, 8 July 2010

I woke up this morning with alcohol sweats and for a few minutes I just lay there, sweating and shivering, without recollection of anything. It's strange - I've lived like this for so long and I still find those moments of utter blankness as terrifying as ever. I should be scared. I turn into this obnoxious sexual deviant when I'm drunk and the things I say - I can't even type them. They're just too awful, a psychotic haze of lies and ugly, ugly truth. I had to work today. My job consists mostly of unlocking and locking doors for hours on end, whilst smiling cheerfully and exuding an air of confidence and capability. Inevitably, I'm absolutely shit at this job.
Why am I even writing this? I'm just trying to put off typing it.
I cheated on him.
It was just a kiss, a few kisses, I was really drunk, he was really pushy
they're just excuses
nothing at all really
i cheated on him and i thought of him when i kissed this man
this man i turned down so i could be with the boyfriend
i'm sorry, i'm rambling. i'm trying to run away from my job right now and myself right now


  1. I'm so sorry sweetheart. Maybe lay off the alcohol a bit just until you're better able to control yourself. I know, easier said than done. I think it would be best that you tell him right away and let him know how sorry you are. Its better that he finds out from you now, than somewhere down the road from someone else.
    <3 <3 *Sending you lots of love*

  2. They may just be excuses, but they sound like valid excuses. Who can really control themselves when they're drunk anyway? I hope that if you do tell your boyfriend, that he's understanding. Good luck hun.

  3. Your writing is brilliant.

  4. I love reading what you type - it's poetry. I do hope things get better in the future. Good luck with everything!

  5. sound like your feeling guilty so dont worry about it. The fact your feel guilty shows you that you wont do it again.


  6. i'm so sad to hear this. but looking at the last post you wrote he loves you and you need and love him and so he'll understand. good luck! xx

  7. 1) everyone says it, but you have such wonderful writing, I love reading it.

    2) don't feel too bad about it. and don't hate yourself for it, don't try and run away from yourself. Running doesn't solve very much. Just take it and build from it. Learn from everything you experience.