Monday, 12 July 2010

I feel so sick. Waves of nausea convulsing through my body and these images appearing in front of me, carved into my eyelids so even when I squeeze my eyes tightly closed, all I can see is her with him.
When the Boyfriend and I first got together, I was convinced he was in love with this girl called Rose. She's beautiful, funny, intelligent and has one of those bodies which fill me with gnawing jealousy. He promised me he'd never even kissed her. And then last night after we had sex, he just blurted out how I was a better fuck than Rose. I just lay there thinking it was sort of sick joke. I've always been so jealous of her, of her friendship with the Boyfriend, of the amount of time they spend together, driven crazy by the knowledge that she is far more attractive than me. He then said that it hadn't actually been sex but 'as good as'. And now I don't know what to do. It happened before we were properly together and before I fell in love. But it's the lies - the denials - the casual way in which he announced that I hadn't in fact been the girl he'd given up all his morals, his faith, for.
The post with the photo was meant to be my last post. I don't want to be anorexic daisy. I'm not, I'm really not - I had to go to the doctor's today and she weighed me as I fixed my eyes on the ceiling determined not to care. And then she said the number aloud. It was unbearable. I'm huge. I can't even write how much I weigh. It's disgusting. I just can't believe how far I've let myself go. How I let the fat wrap my body up. I don't want to me anymore. I thought I was getting better, that I didn't care about the numbers anymore, that I actually wanted to live, that I didn't want to be sick anymore, that I knew I had a mental illness and I chose life, and I chose to have children and I chose to have normal relationships and I chose to stop this. But I can't. Not now. All I can see and all I can feel is just fat, fat, fat, fat dimpled, flabby, repulsive. A couple of weeks ago I read all my old posts and I wanted to hug the old me. I wanted to tell her that it would be ok, she'd be free and she'd fall in love.
But that would be a lie. I'm not free. And all I can feel is everything crumbling around me. And nothing. I just want to feel nothing again.


  1. I am sorry to hear that you feel that way. Its horrible when someone who you trust says something that makes you question everything you though was true. I just hope you can get through it as you deserve to be happy.


    That guys is suck an ASSHOLE! I want to rip his testicles off and stuff them up his nose, then PUNCH IT. REALLY HARD. What a prick. *Fumes*

    Please hold on, don't let him do this to you. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he has that much power over your heart.

    I'm here for you no matter what <3


  3. I know that feeling of sickness your talking about, and how unbearable it is...But, He is with you over her, and that is all that matters...I know that doesn't mean anything, but I promise it will all be fine.

  4. Oh my sweet. I want to hug the old you, too. The you that is me. Because I know exactly what you're going through.

    Why do guys think that you want to hear you're better in bed than other girls? Don't they know we don't want to even THINK about the other girls. Period. When the Boy in my life tells me I'm better at BJs than any other girls it just makes me feel sick. I just hear 'other girls' not 'better than'. And that is enough to make me feel 'worse than', 'worthless', 'worth nothing'.

    And then the only thing you think you're worth is your weight. And it's back to grounding your sense of worth in the scale.

    But you did want to get better, once. Remember that. remember it's not worth it, the scale. It won't bring you comfort. It's an uphill struggle and please don't give up because you're tired and you haven't reached the top in one leap. Keep trying. And if this guy is not helping you on your way then throw him aside. Even if you love him. You have to love yourself more, even if it's only in pretence. Else you never will.